The Top Five Core Values of a Real M.A.G.A. Patriot:

The Top Five Core Values of a Real MAGA Patriot: 

1. Religious Dogma: 
a. God gave mankind the earth to dominate and destroy. 
b. Anyone who cares for the earth is a devil worshipping communist. 
c. Jesus was a white man.

2. Gluttony: It’s patriotic to over-consume and waste as much food, resources, and materials as possible. Pollution is great. There’s nothing like “rolling coal” on an “elitist” cyclist with a $50K truck (preferably a full sized red one with a ram on it.) What’s left of the world for your progeny doesn’t matter because they are Saved. 

3. Greed: Paying people less helps you win contracts as the low bidder, and it will keep your fat wallet happy due to low cost products. It’s ok though because the low wage workers will be motivated to earn a college degree or start a business, right? The minimum wage should actually be lowered to help them along. To sum up, pay people low wages then expect the government to pick up the bill through entitlement programs, and then vote against those entitlement programs.

4. Paranoia: Brown people are scary, and usually democrats; therefore, you must live far from the cities while commuting with as large a personal vehicle as possible. For extra protection against these out of control undesirables, own lots of guns and reside protected behind gates if possible. It’s what Jesus would do! Perhaps your paranoia will not be unfounded once you vote away entitlements without any increases in pay for the slaves.

5. Laziness: Patriots drive overpowered large vehicles everywhere. Bicyclists, pedestrians, and mass transit users are Bad People! [Special note: These cyclists somehow get to use the roads “without paying taxes” even though they live and pay taxes in the city, unlike the real patriot who pays vastly less taxes in a completely different locality while clogging the city roads the users above pay for. MAGA!

 The secondary list of Core Values for the Patriot: 

6. Antisocial Behavior: Including a 60 mile commute, large gun cache, bunker/safe room, alcoholism, and persistent anger towards others unless they are a carbon copy of you. 
7. Climate Chaos Denial: The predictable progression of your argument: 
a. Full Denial: NO it doesn’t exist because Alex Jones told me so. 
b. Partial Denial: OK so maybe the weather has gotten strange yet mankind didn’t do it (unless it’s the chemtrails and HAARP.) Endless air pollution for decades can’t change the weather patterns but the chemtrails can. 
c. The End is Nigh: SO WHAT if mankind is responsible with unimaginable amounts of toxic air pollution, clear cutting, and pavement? White Jesus will protect my children, they are saved and yours aren’t. I’ll be teleported out of here! See Core Value 1.a. 
d. KILL: Didn’t get teleported and the planet descends into chaos with mass migrations? God’s will. Load guns; prepare to kill. See Core Value 1.a. 
8. MAGA!: Complete all deplorable statements online with this, while drunk and just giddy with hate. 
9. Sickness: Poor diet, lack of exercise, age, drinking, and constant anger have taken you down. You will soon be replaced by generations that care about themselves, others, and the world they live in. 
10. Guilt: Your guilt creates a hostile, defensive demeanor. [Example: Simple, factual article about a record sized iceberg? Unacceptable!! Post snarky comments about liberals and “like this hasn’t happened before!” comments immediately and whatever you do, don’t read the article!] Due to the guilt created by the core values above, see core value 2 for instructions on how to cope.